This evening marks the beginning of Yom Kippur, the day of
atonement in the Jewish faith. It is a day for fasting, repentance, and prayer
as we the community repent of our sins. Yom Kippur services open with the
evening Kol Nidre service, a hauntingly beautiful service that opens with the
Kol Nidre prayer, a prayer that our unfulfilled promises, vows, and renunciations
from the past year would be wiped clean so that we may begin again. I attended
Kol Nidre services this evening with my husband and father-in-law at the
synogogue my husband grew up attending. I stood and sat with tears in my eyes,
opening my heart to G-D in the confession of my own failure to be the person I
have been called to be.
The rabbi preached his sermon about faith, truth and doubt.
I love that he said that doubt should be celebrated, truth sought, and faith
needs to leave room for mystery. He talked about how every relationship is
filled with doubt, but when the relationship has primacy then doubts are just
part of the terrain to be navigated. The important thing is to keep with the
relationship, even when things are tough. Be like Job, he said, who never
doubted G-D’s existence and stayed engaged even when that engagement meant
arguing with G-D.
It’s very like what the pastor said in a church I attended a
few weeks ago. He was giving a sermon series on how faith needs to be personal,
how the intellectual obstacles get in the way because in the end faith is about
being in relationship with G-D. He talked about how every relationship has unanswered
questions and unsolved obstacles – getting married, becoming a parent – but
when love enters the relationship and it becomes personal the obstacles become
smaller. They don’t disappear but they just get brought along into the
relationship, part of what gets worked out.
I try to pay attention when I hear two similar messages in
close proximity like that. Especially because I think these are really good
messages for me, because I tend to think things to death. I make pro/con
charts, not just lists. I ask the same questions over and over, poking at
issues from different angles. Sometimes it’s little stuff, like what stroller
is best or what suitcase should I buy if I choose to replace our luggage or
what nightlight timer will best keep our three year old in bed. Pro/con lists
and reading reviews online work pretty well for the little stuff, although it
takes me longer than I would like sometimes to reach a conclusion. On the other
hand, sometimes it’s really big stuff, like should I stay in the same job or
should I change churches or should we have another kid. I’ve found that pro/con
lists don’t help so much in these big questions. I can think of reasons to do
or not do any or all of these things, and the reasons are good. In the end it
comes down to relationships for me. I stay in my job because I care about the
people I work with, both colleagues and patients. I am choosing to change
churches because the one I was attending was so far away I wasn’t able to
participate in the life of the community and form relationships. My husband and
I probably will have another child eventually because we love each other and
our daughter and we want to share that love with another person.
To bring it back around to Yom Kippur and Kol Nidre, I
confess that I am too often distant and intellectual. I am too often stuck in
my own head, calculating pros and cons and planning for my own best comfort
instead of jumping into full engagment with G-D and the people in my life and
the events of this world. I am too often impersonal rather than personal.
Perhaps it is hubris to make new vows so soon after asking for nullification of
the old ones, but my prayer and promise for myself this year is to allow my
relationships to hold their primacy.
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