Million Dollar Game

Do you ever play the million dollar game? This is the mental game that goes “If I had a million dollars I would…” A variation is “If I won the lottery I would…” I think of an amount and I try to think of all the things I might do and how my life would change. It’s a fun game when I’m feeling down or blue or when daily life just seems like a bit of a grind. Sometimes a vacation into spinning daydreams is almost as relaxing as a trip, and it’s cheaper and easier!

Here’s how I play. If I won ten million dollars I would have to give about a third to the government (taxes) and I would give away one million to various charities that I believe are doing good work. So I would have about $5 million dollars left to play with. I always imagine a lump sum, not an annuity, because it’s not as much fun to play the game with smaller amounts. So what would I do with $5 million dollars? Well, I think I would set aside about $300,000 for my daughter’s future. I would give away $100,000 each to my mother, father, stepmother, sister, mother-in-law, father in-law, and brother in-law.  I would spend $500,000 to buy a house that I liked.  I would use two million to set up some kind of retirement fund for my husband and I, some investment at a decent interest rate (if there is such a thing anymore) that would let us have an annual income. I would like to take about $500,000 to take a year off work and finance a trip around the world so I can see all the amazing places that I’ve read about. After that I usually get stuck. What to do with that last million dollars? I usually come up with some plan to divide the money up amongst my friends so that everyone gets something and I get the fun of giving away.

I realize that in the end, I don’t really want a lot of things. I’d like to live in a paid off house, with enough money to pay insurance and taxes on it. That feels like security to me. It would be nice to have an option not to work, but if I’m honest with myself I probably would anyway after my year off. I mostly like my current job and while it would be nice not to need my job, I wouldn’t feel very good about leaving it forever. I don’t really want a whole lot of expensive things; I like the cars we have, I like my clothes, I don’t wear much jewelry. I love to buy books but I can only read so many in a period of time after all.

Which is part of the point of the game. It’s fun to fantasize about a few things I could do with a whole lot of money, but then in the end, it’s fun to realize that really I have a lot to be grateful for. I’ve been told, many times, that gratitude is the best cure for worry (including a recent reminder from a good friend). The million dollar game reminds me that even without a million dollars, life is very good.

Erasers and Guidelines

Fancy Flowers. Rose Anne Karesh. 2013.

This week on my ongoing journey towards learning to draw well I worked through about four lessons in the book I am reading. Mark Kistler wrote an outstanding book entitled “You Can Learn to Draw in 30 Days” that I found online through Amazon when I was looking for a book that would help me improve my drawing skills. So far I have worked through about half the exercises (I’m working slowly, repeating lessons at times) and I am pleased to say that I am absolutely seeing an improvement in my skills. Mr. Kistler’s approach is to break drawings down into simple steps and then show you how those steps illustrate principles of realistic drawing. Each lesson includes a basic lesson with the detailed instructions and then a bonus challenge, which will give you suggestions and examples but not the specific steps. So far I have been able to work out how to complete the bonus challenges based on the instructions in the lesson, which gives me the sense that I actually have understood and mastered the material.

Advanced House. Rose Anne Karesh 2013.

My favorite lessons this week were “Advanced Houses” and “The Lily.” I posted my homework; compared to the work form the first few lessons I am pretty pleased. I realized this week that my most important tool is a good eraser. Each of these drawings involved multiple attempts. I am learning that getting drawings right is a process of trying something, realizing it isn’t quite right, erasing it and then trying again. I worked both with my Kindle Fire application “Sketchbook Pro” and with an actual pencil and paper this week but in both media I needed to erase frequently. I don’t know if this is the case for more experienced draftsmen but it seems to me that it does reflect the nature of life in general. You try something, it isn’t quite right, you undo things as well as you can and then you try again. In life your erasing tools are humility, apologies, forgiveness of self and others, and willingness to learn from mistakes and it seems to me that having a good set of erasers is just as important in life as in drawing.

Three Lillies. Rose Anne Karesh. 2013.

I also learned the usefulness of guidelines in my lessons this week. Guidelines are lightly drawn on the page to help you keep your angles consistent, something that I struggle with. When you are done with the outline of your drawing you can erase the guidelines. Guidelines keep your houses from looking like they have been through an earthquake. It occurred to me that this is also like life. You need basic guidelines of some sort; something to let you know where to draw your lines and how to get the different parts of your life aligned to make a good picture. The guidelines aren’t supposed to be the picture; they are operating invisibly to harmonize the different aspects of the life you are drawing.



I’m pleased that my efforts to master a new skill are also giving me some food for thought about life in general. I’m curious to see what new artistic skills and what new reflections crop up in the weeks ahead.

Worry and Prayer

It’s a strange feeling when your toddler begins to teach you and minister to you. In the car this afternoon my two-year-old daughter said “Mommy’s boo-boo leg is healing up.” And I agreed and added that it would take a while. I must have sounded sad because my daughter then piped up with “Mommy’s sad about that.”  So I told her I was, a little, but that it would be okay. She responded with “Please don’t cry.” I assured her that I wouldn’t cry. The next thing told me was “please don’t worry.” Inside I’m wondering, where does she get this stuff? It’s eerie when your toddler echoes you, but it’s even eerier when she begins to say important things you don’t think you ever taught her. I told her I wouldn’t worry and that G-D is taking care of me and would heal my leg. Then I talked for a few minutes about G-D always being near us and answering our prayers, until she moved on to another topic.

Now I have to try to live up to not worrying and trusting G-D, since I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Which isn’t always so easy. I’ve been a little down the past few days; getting the heavy splint off was great but now that I am trying to do range of motion with my ankle I’m realizing I can’t move it well. Intellectually, I know it is still early. I know it’s still swollen and inflamed. I know that things will improve with time and persistent effort at rehabilitation. Still, intellect isn’t always in charge. Emotionally, it feels discouraging to not be able to completely flex or point my toes the way I am used to doing. Let’s not even talk about ankle circles. Emotionally, I’m tired of pain and hassle.

The pastor in church today talked about Christians being afraid of prayer, because prayer the way we taught it is transformational, not transactional. The difference being that transformational prayer seeks G-D’s will as opposed to transactional prayer that asks for things. Transactional prayer isn’t wrong; it’s okay to ask for what you need and want; but it should be subordinate to transformational prayer. That part of the sermon really struck me because I absolutely feel that it is frightening to pray sometimes. It is one thing to pray, Lord, heal my ankle. Help me recover. It is yet another thing to say Lord, your will be done. I’d like my ankle to be healed, but if for some reason I can serve you better with this limitation then I will accept that. I’ll be honest; I don’t want to accept that.

I think that’s where a lot of worry comes in for Christians, despite several passages of scripture that tell us not to worry. We worry because we know that ultimately we might be asked to do something we really don’t want to do, to deal with something we just don’t feel we can deal with, because it serves a larger purpose. The pastor spoke a word of comfort for that, too. He said that by the time you get to whatever you’re afraid of, it will be the next logical step. He said G-D will lead you there bit by bit until you are ready. That certainly sounds better, but I’m not sure it bears out in practice. I have gone through things that I know were ultimately for good (for me and for others) but that I didn’t feel ready for or enjoy at all. I doubt I’m the only one who would say that. Surrender of our will is very hard.

I don’t have a really good answer to any of this. I do feel that worry is unproductive; it saps energy without producing any benefits. So I will try not to worry, and I will try to trust both the process of healing and G-D’s will. I will keep on doing my part to get the best possible outcome. And I will try to trust that prayer that transforms me is best in the long run.

Ankle Fracture Progress - An Up and Down Day

It’s been an up and down kind of day. I woke up feeling good and excited – this morning was my orthopedic appointment with the promise of a new, lighter splint that can be removed for showering (without a plastic bag on my leg. Hey, it’s the little things!) and also clearance to return to work. Hooray! Then around 8:30 the doctor’s office called and said my appointment was cancelled because my doctor was sick and could I come in on Tuesday. I veered into immediate distress and panic. I had told people I was coming back on Monday, I was so looking forward to getting that bulky splint off, what to do, what to do. I managed to pull my thoughts together in a coherent way and ask if someone else could see me, please. The nurse didn’t know but said she’d ask and call me back. I then sat on the couch in an agony of hope and impatience. Fortunately she called back fairly quickly and said another doctor would fit me in this afternoon. The appointment time wasn’t great for us as a family but I took it gratefully.

So this afternoon we trundled off to the orthopedic surgeon’s office, with no nap for my two-year old daughter. We checked in and they said to wait, and I asked the receptionist about X-rays, since the nurse had said earlier to come early for x-rays. She said I didn’t need X-rays. I asked if she were sure, since the nurse had told me to come early for them. She said, okay, then go to radiology. I said, don’t I need to have the splint taken off first? She said, oh yeah! So they brought me back and took the splint off my leg. It looked awful. Still orange from the betadine they used pre-surgery to clean the skin, bruised all over, and with two fairly raw looking scars on either side of my leg. I know it can only improve from here but it was a bit of a shock. X-rays were completed without a problem and without pain, which was nice since the first two sets of X-rays were pretty awful, and then back to the orthopedic office for a 60 minute wait. I couldn’t really complain, since they fit me in, after all. Fortunately we had the kindle for our daughter and she happily watched Sesame Street and Elmo while we sat. My husband and I chatted with a very nice couple who admired the knee walker I’ve been using to get around. The woman had shattered her ankle in early December and had required much more extensive surgery than I needed. I felt much less sorry for myself after speaking with her.

The orthopedic surgeon came in and she was very nice. She showed me the x-rays and told me everything is lined up well, although it’s too early to see bone healing yet. She checked the surgical incisions and said they look good. She reminded me not to bear weight. She asked if my original doctor had planned to have me in a cast for 5 more weeks? I gulped and said no, she had mentioned a CAM walker so I could do range of motion exercises. I was praying she wouldn’t overrule that and put me back in a cast, particularly not for 5 weeks, since I was hoping to be cleared for walking in another 3-4 weeks. I also really wanted to be able to wiggle a little bit now and then and especially to wash my leg (gently!) after seeing it. She told me she thought that was fine, cautioned me not to force anything on the range of motion, and sent the technician in with a CAM walker. He very kindly showed me how to put it on and away we went.

I called my boss and confirmed that I will be back to work on Monday, and was pleased that my job seems happy at the idea of my return. The CAM walker is lighter and smaller than the large, bulky splint so I think it will be easier and less tiring to get around. It fits a bit more tightly too, so my ankle actually feels a little more protected. I still have to sleep in it, so I will have to work out details of pillows and getting comfortable with a new immobilization device. But overall this feels like progress and I am ending the day as it began, on an up note. 

Tightening My Belt - Personal Perspective on Budget Sequestration

I was text messaging with one of my colleagues at work and she mentioned there were town hall meetings at work today. Like most Federal employees we are anticipating budget sequestration starting 1 March, and for us that means a 20% reduction in hours and a 20% pay cut which will probably go on for two weeks. Nothing is certain yet, of course. That would be too simple, you know, actually allowing people to make solid plans.

I’ve been anticipating this for a while, so personally I am not too freaked out or frightened. Fortunately my husband and I are very financially conservative and we have always been very cautious and thrifty with our money. We live well below our income and so we can absorb a 20% pay cut with some tightening up of our belts. Which isn’t to say it doesn’t hurt. We have some savings goals that are important to us, and those will have to be on hold until this is over. We were hoping to buy a house this summer and we will probably need to hold off until my salary returns to normal. We will also have to limit some of the things we do for fun, like going out to eat, hiring babysitters, traveling, and purchasing non-necessary items. So while I’m not panicking, I’m definitely unhappy.

I do think it’s important to reduce the budget deficit, but this is not a just or reasonable way to do it.  First of all, most federal employees are not in the same position I am in. For most of the people I work with, a 20% pay cut is jeopardizing their ability to pay their bills and care for their families. Please believe that kind of impact will roll down to other people. If I, in a position of relative security, am making plans to cut back expenses and postpone major purchases, what do you think people with less security will be doing? And what will that do to the places they shop, the people they already owe money to, all of the other, non government business trying to keep going in an uncertain economy? Depending on which data source you use, there are probably about 2 million full time employees in the executive branch - that doesn't count employees in the postal service, the legislative branch, the executive branch or the military. That's an awful lot of potential customers not going shopping.

Second, it seems terribly unfair to finance the government's debt primarily off the backs of those who are federal employees. I’ll be honest; that’s how it feels to me. Instead of saying yes, we’ll increase taxes moderately on those who are wealthy, or even saying  yes, we'll increase taxes on everyone a little bit, our leaders in Washington are doing the equivalent of increasing taxes by 20% (that’s 1/5! Of my salary!) on federal employees. Who, I can assure you, are not high income earners by and large. We are not an overpaid crew of people. I know because I am at the highest possible grade and step of the pay scale, and I make less than the median income (according to salary.com) for a general adult psychiatrist in my area.  And that median income for a general adult psychiatrist is under the lowest of the many definitions of “wealthy” that I’ve heard bandied about in the news recently. So if I’m significantly below the threshold, that means almost everyone I work with, almost all of the federal work force, is much, much further below it. Is it fair to use me and my family and my colleagues and their families, all of us solidly in the middle class bracket, to pay off a debt that we all, as a nation, helped accumulate? Everyone benefitted from Bush-era tax cuts. Shouldn’t everyone be helping pay that back?     

Third, this kind of drastic cut is going to have a terrible impact on the ability of every federal organization to provide services. Think about getting your job done with 1/5 of the people missing for the next 22 weeks. How well do you think that's going to go? And whether you like the federal government or not, whether you like federal programs or not, the reality is that everyone depends on these programs to some extent or another, every single day. This is not a good idea. 

I know we’ll get through. I don’t do my job for the money, obviously, and there will still be patients to take care of and I will. I believe that many of my colleagues will do the same. And I hope that our elected leaders will take a step back and really think about this. I hope they will think about solutions that are just, even-handed and that don’t create such a terrible impact on the people who have dedicated their careers to public service. I don’t have a lot of faith in our legislature right now, but I will hope. And in the meantime, I’ll be tightening up my belt. 

Comfort Food Kind of Morning

I woke up today hungry for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. That isn’t terribly unusual for me, since this is one of my favorite quick foods. I often will eat a PBJ for breakfast, since it is fairly quick and, made on whole wheat bread, has enough substance to get me through the morning until lunch. Today, however, I was craving comfort. I woke up too early, and in pain, and just felt generally grumpy. I wanted the soothing effect of a food I remember fondly from childhood onward.

I’ll readily admit that eating for comfort isn’t a great habit. However, it does actually work as a short term pick me up, which is probably why I continue to do it. So since I was eating for comfort this morning I thought I would write about my favorite comfort foods and see if that helped cheer me up (it did, although I ate the PBJ first, so it’s not a very good experiment). Here’s a list of my top five comfort foods. What are some of yours?

Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches. These have to be made in a specific way to count as a comfort food for me. The bread needs to be whole wheat but not too seedy or grainy; the texture should be somewhat soft. Low calorie bread does not cut it here. The peanut butter should be smooth and sweet, no organic peanut butter allowed. It needs to have that store bought taste. For jelly I prefer marmalade or cherry; strawberry will do in a pinch. Grape is just not right; I don’t know why but it doesn’t have the same comfort value. Finally, the sandwich needs to be cut in half, in rectangles.

Campbell’s Vegetarian Vegetable Soup. This is the classic alphabet noodle soup. I have tried all kinds of store brands and they just don’t measure up. I don’t like the kind with beef stock either. I usually eat this with the next comfort food on the list, making a comfort meal. This comfort food I usually don’t feel too guilty about, since at least it contains a serving of vegetables along with all the salt.

Grilled Cheese Sandwich. I’m not quite as particular about how the grilled cheese sandwich is made as I am about the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. All kinds of breads are acceptable; sourdough, wheat, and pumpernickel are big favorites of mine. For cheese I usually prefer a colby-jack or mild cheddar, but sometimes I like to spice things up with a pepper-jack. Occasionally I’ll add in extras like a slice of tomato or bacon, but for real comfort food I will usually just stick with cheese. I like to butter the bread before placing it in the skillet but melting the butter in the skillet first works fine. The sandwich should be toasted on both sides but not burned, and it has to be cut in half in triangles.

Chocolate Chip Cookies. I definitely prefer homemade cookies but store bought can do in a pinch. Chewy is preferable to crunchy in my book, and I like just plain chocolate chip cookies, without fancy add-ins like macadamia nuts or caramel chips. M&M’s are fine, since they are really just a sugar shell coated chocolate chip, and add a fun pop of color.

Macaroni and Cheese. Again, homemade is the best with the slightly crunchy breadcrumb topping over the gooey cheese and noodles. Unfortunately, homemade macaroni and cheese is a lot of work. Annie’s macaroni and cheese (I prefer the classic kind) is quite good, although it is still not very good for you. Then again, health is not the point of comfort foods, right? When I eat macaroni and cheese I like to have fish sticks with them, but the fish sticks alone are not comfort food.

Frustration!

I am trying to gather a wider audience for my writing. I like to write and it's much more fun when people are reading what I take the time to write! So this morning I have been researching ways to increase traffic to my blog. There are plenty of websites about this, some of which have good advice and some of which are nonsense.

All of the websites say to publish good content and to publish it frequently. Ok, that makes sense, and I am working on that. I am trying to keep my eyes and ears open as I go through my day so that I find inspiration around me for interesting things to write.

Many sites talk about Search Engine Optimization. I am still trying to work out exactly what that means, but it seems to be writing so that you are using keywords that other people will search for. There are ways you can do research on keywords that people use when searching google, and if you write to appeal to those searches then you will get more page views. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I want to write what I want to write, not what I think people will search for. On the other hand, if there are changes I can make to what I wanted to write anyway that make it easier for people to find me, that's not bad. I haven't spent too much time on this in general so far.

One website suggested switching over to Google+, so I did that. That was annoying, since it required re-establishing my profile and then double checking all the details, but I managed it. It also suggested listing your blog at sites like Technorati, which I had never heard of before, but which is a blog directory. Listing through them is another way to get an audience. So I went to the Technorati site and signed up. It has not been simple. I got tripped up over it asking for me Feed URL. I looked that up and followed the directions to obtain it, and then it rejected it saying it didn't look like a valid URL. Really? Because it pulled up the blog site when I used it in my browser, which I thought was the definition of a valid URL - it directs you to the website you thought you were going to when you clicked it. Anyway, after about seven tries I finally got it to accept the feed URL (not changing the actual URL... maybe persistance just wore it down). Now the last step: I have to put a claim code into a post. I don't love that. I don't want to post stuff here that is nonsense. I do understand where they're coming from, since they are trying to make sure this is really my blog and I'm not just claiming someone else's work. But it's annoying, and not how I like to do things. So I decided that at least I would write a rant about this whole process before entering the code. Hopefully I've entertained someone, and at least I've spoken my mind and relieved my feelings somewhat.

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