I Hate Eggs

I hate eggs. I always have. I used to insist that my mom make French toast without eggs. She dipped the bread in cinnamon flavored milk and tried to fry it. It wasn’t really that good, but the faint taste of eggs left by the batter was more than I could stand as a child.

The biggest problem with eggs is that they stink like sulpher and rotting carcasses. My mom keeps telling me that fresh eggs don’t stink, and I keep telling her “yeah, Mom, they do.” They really do. When I was a third year medical student on my surgery rotation at a VA hospital 200 miles from home my senior residents (all huge, hulking frowning men) demanded our team meet over breakfast every morning. And every other person on the team gobbled down nasty, stinking hard boiled eggs every morning at 6 am. I wanted to throw up. I still avoid the cafeteria at work in the morning. I can’t even walk on that floor, because the stink of egg wafts through the hallways.

The other problem with eggs is that they are slimy. On the rare occasions I have choked down some egg because social politeness demanded that I have at least a few bites they slither in my mouth and at the back of my throat like phlegm. One of my favorite mentors from my training was a vegetarian. She would invite me to her home in the evenings after work to discuss the reading I was doing. Since she was a courteous and thoughtful individual she would always feed me dinner and make me tea. Unfortunately, since she was a vegetarian, many of her meals involved salads with hard boiled eggs in them. I didn’t want to offend her. She was being so kind, spending her free time in the evenings tutoring me. So I ate the eggs, tried to ignore the stink and the slimy feeling at the back of my throat and did my best to look as if I were enjoying them.  I didn’t do a good job. About a year later we connected at a conference and went out to eat. As we were ordering she said “Oh yes, you don’t like eggs, do you?”

Hating eggs is a handicap. Most breakfast foods are not available to me; eggs come with everything. I lived in San Antonio, Texas for 4.5 years and never ate a breakfast burrito. The stupid things are stuffed with eggs. People serve you eggs in their homes when you go for breakfast. My sister made scrambled eggs for me once, when I was up in Boston to celebrate her college graduation. She was convinced that if I just tried them again, made with her good recipe, with all the right seasonings, I would like them. What could I do? We had fought throughout our childhood and ignored each other as young adults. We were just starting to be friends. I didn’t want to say no to her gesture of sisterly love. She made scrambled eggs with spinach, standing in the miniscule kitchen of her shabby 3 bedroom house that she shared with five other students. I ate them. I smiled and pretended they weren’t so bad. I love my sister. I hated her eggs.

Asking for Help

It’s difficult to ask for help. Have you noticed that? I try not to ask for help very often. I tell myself I don’t want to be a bother to others. Surely they have enough on their plates without me asking them for something in addition. I tell myself that it’s not that big a deal and that it will be quicker and easier to just get it done myself. Sometimes I even tell myself that I’m the only person who will be able to do this particular task in just the right way.

It isn’t a healthy habit, not asking for help. I know that I get tired and worn down. Sometimes I end up feeling very sorry for myself. Sometimes I become angry or resentful of the people around me for not helping, even though I haven’t asked them to help. Sometimes I just can’t get everything done that’s on my plate and things start to slip, or at least aren’t done as well as they need to be done.

Breaking my ankle has been a very humbling experience in terms of asking for help. I’ve had to ask my doctor to fix my ankle and prescribe pain medication and excuse me from work so I could heal up. I’ve had to ask my co-workers to cover all my usual responsibilities at work including seeing my patients. I’ve had to ask my husband to wash my hair and help me get dressed in the mornings. I’ve had to ask my mom to come and stay with us to take care of our daughter while I had surgery so my husband could take care of me. I’ve had to ask other family members to come and bring food and spend time with us so that my husband could get a break from taking care of my daughter and me and get out of the house on his own a little.

What I’d like to remember about this time is that everyone I asked for help said yes, of course they would. No one seemed resentful or angry or put-upon. They just cheerfully stepped up to the plate and helped out. The other thing I need to remember is that everything has gone very well, even with me stuck on a couch unable to go to work or clean up around the house. Meals have been served, laundry has been done, the house is reasonably tidy and work is clicking along smoothly. In the future, when I am hesitant to ask for help, I need to remember that not asking is just my own nonsense. Life took advantage of a broken ankle to show me that asking for help works out just fine.

Falling Snow

I’m sitting on the couch watching it snow today. Since my ankle is broken I can’t do much of anything else. I am getting around the house okay on a little knee scooter, which is much easier and feels much safer than crutches, but it hurts my ankle more when I’m moving around. So staying on the couch with my foot elevated seems like the best bet for now. And the couch faces our sliding glass door, and outside the snow is coming down.

Right now the flakes are tiny and falling quickly. Earlier the flakes were fat and shaped like the V-shaped geese we learned to draw in the sky as children, and they drifted down and stuck on the grass. When I woke up there was a fine layer of snow coating the lawn, enough that it looked white but not so much that you couldn’t see the taller leaves sticking up through the blanket. As the day warmed up the snow on the grass and trees has all melted away so that they only way you know it’s snow and not rain is by looking at the flakes themselves and the way they move sideways and swirl around a bit and then land softly, instead of dropping straight down and splashing the way rain does.

I don’t get too many chances to just sit on the couch and watch the snowfall. Usually I am rushing here and rushing there. When it snows I am groaning and dreading the drive to work, since I am needed there regardless of the weather. I am anxious about driving on the slick surface and grumpy about all the inconvenience and extra work the snow will cause. I dislike having to clean off car windows and I really dislike shoveling snow off sidewalks and out from behind my car if we get that much accumulation. I am fretting about who else will make it in to work and what extra tasks might fall to me in someone’s absence. Since my sophomore year in college, when I was snowed in by a freak massive snowfall of 18 inches (it's a lot for this area!), I have dreaded snow each winter.

When I was a kid I loved snow. I loved getting an unexpected day off school. I loved the pristine smooth whiteness in the early morning, unmarred by footsteps. I loved the ice coating branches and leaves, turning everything into a magic fairy landscape. I loved walking in the snow, the quiet and peace of everything hushed and sleeping under a chilly blanket. I loved sitting inside with a warm blanket and a cup of hot chocolate, being hypnotized by the endlessly falling flakes. Today I feel I’ve received a little of that back again, an unexpected gift on a wintry Sunday morning.

Mother Daughter Yoga

On Friday evenings I take my two year old daughter to a Mom and Tot yoga class near our home. The class just started so I am pretty excited about it. Before this we were driving an hour on Saturday morning to attend a 45 minute class on the other side of town, so this is much easier. We go to class together and then have dinner before I put her to bed. The time together is sweet and precious, since I am a working mother and miss many of her regular activities. We talk a little on the way to and from class. I ask her what she did that day and she tells me, as much as a two year old can, what she is thinking about. 

I wonder sometimes if she’s getting much from the class. I know she remembers things because she will occasionally sing one of the songs we learned or do a yoga pose. But she spends a lot of class time just running around in circles, and I spend a lot of time worrying about her biting another kid in a tussle over blankets or bolsters. When I remind her at home to take a deep breath she usually ignores me or tells me "I don't want to calm down!" I keep reminding myself to have patience and faith, and that over time this will benefit us both. That this investment of time on a regular basis will pay off in relationship dividends for the rest of her life.

I see my daughter as being a lot like my younger sister. They are both high intensity, high energy girls who really like to get their own way. Like my sister, my daughter has trouble calming down when she’s upset and when she’s really distressed she pushes us away, shouting “leave me alone.” She responds aggressively when she’s threatened or upset by another child, despite all of our conversations about using her words.

My younger sister had a very difficult childhood. My mom is a wonderful person, but she was a single mom working 3 jobs and going to school when she was raising us. She also had her own emotional wounds. So she and my sister had regular screaming matches all throughout our childhood and adolescence. I even remember her kicking my sister out once, to live with my father for two days before she let my sister move back in. Even now when my sister is an independent adult they fall into those old patterns. They still fight, although less loudly, if they are together for more than a few days. I know they love each other, but their relationship is difficult, to say the least.

I want a different relationship with my daughter. I know that things will probably be easier, since I am not a single mom and I only work one job. But I also have realized already how hard parenting can be. How easy it can be to tangle my own self-image and wishes in my efforts to parent her. I want to give her the tools early on to calm and soothe herself and bring that intensity under control, so that it serves her instead of mastering her. And I want to give myself the tools to stay calm, not take her tantrums personally, and to continue to value and appreciate the person she is. To worry less about controlling her and be more focused on loving her. So I take her to yoga every Friday night – each class another deposit in our relationship account.

TV Time and Toddlers

I have a guilty secret. I let my 2 year old daughter watch Sesame Street. And Elmo. And The Muppets. And an occasional Disney movie. I also let her play with my iPhone, often enough that she will say “I want my apps!” She has a whole screen of these.  And she has more books and TV shoes downloaded onto my Kindle Fire than I do.

Even worse, I’ve been letting her watch Baby Einstein since she was about 11 months old. That’s about when I started letting her play with my iPhone, too. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends against any screen time for kids under the age of 2. I understand their recommendation.  Studies don’t show any benefit even to educational programming, and there are some links between the amount of TV time and developmental delays. And of course as a parent I don’t want my child to suffer any delays. That’s what makes me feel so guilty.

On the other hand, when I let her use my screen technology she is entertained, cheerful and sits still. For example, I started letting her use my iPhone on an airplane trip. We travel frequently as a family. The last trip before I gave her my iPhone she spent a 3 hour trip jumping up and down on my lap and trying to touch the hair of the people in front of us. And then screaming when I restrained her from bothering other passengers. By the end of the trip I was sore and exhausted and close to having a tantrum myself. The next trip when I let her use the iPhone? She sat quietly and watched Baby Einstein video clips and Fisher Price apps for 2 hours straight. We both finished the trip feeling calm and cheerful.

What it boils down to is that I let her use screen technology because it works. When we are out to dinner playing with my phone means she is not running all over the restaurant. When we are travelling the screen technology makes the difference between a screaming miserable child (and mother) and a cheerful entertained child and a calm happy mother. When I have to take her with me to a doctor’s appointment or to a meeting or to any other child inappropriate venue (which is often) giving her a screen to play with means that I can get my task accomplished. At home, when my husband and I are trying to fix dinner or fold laundry or just have a conversation letting her watch TV means she will not get into trouble while we are trying to run the household.

I acknowledge that there are other possible solutions. I have been told to just let her play in the house. And we often do that, but she still requires supervision. My daughter is very agile and very bright for her age. She is also an excellent climber and views our childproofing more as an obstacle to be overcome than a significant barrier. We could childproof more, but we would end up having to take everything we don’t want her to touch above a 4 foot height. It starts to become impractical. We are trying to teach her not to touch things but that takes time and, as you might have guessed, supervision. 

Another possible solution would be hiring a babysitter for her when I have errands or want to go out to eat. However, as a working mom, I don’t really want to hire a babysitter all the time. I enjoy chatting and singing with my daughter during our car rides and in between tasks that require my attention. Usually when we are out to dinner it is with family and we all want her with us. We just want her to stay seated at the table and not have a tantrum.

When I talk to my friends with toddlers, most of them are doing the same things I am. We are all well educated, sophisticated parents and we are all letting our kids watch TV and play with our devices. Frankly, I think that means the American Academy of Pediatric’s recommendations are unrealistic. Here are my proposed, experience based, practical suggestions for toddler screen time.

1.     Limit passive entertainment (all TV shows, games, books that read themselves to your child) screen time to less than 1 hour a day under 2 years old, less than 2 hours a day for 2-5 year olds and no more than 3 hours a day for anyone, including adults. Time on the computer for work or homework doesn’t count.

2.     Parents should pre-view anything their children are allowed to see. This means reading the books, watching the shows and playing the games before your toddler. Make sure what you see is something you want your child to see. Think of it this way – when you watch TV, you are essentially inviting these characters into your living room. Do you want them there?

3.     Whenever possible, make screen time interactive. Read books from a kindle to your child. Discuss what they see on TV. Even a 2 year old can talk about what they saw on TV. Sing the songs together.

4.     Limit the setting for certain devices. For example, in our household playing with the kindle or Mommy’s phone is only allowed when we are out of the house.

5.     Bring crayons, paper, and some toys in addition to your screen devices. If your child is like mine, they won’t hold her for long. But giving her these things first helps us limit the amount of time she spends with a screen.

6.     Schedule daily time for both active play outside and for creative play inside. Spend some of this time playing with your child, engaged in their activities. Take the chance to see the world through their eyes. It’s amazing to experience everything as new again.

7.     Read! I suggest reading at least 2-3 short books a day to your small children. Continue reading as they get older. Reading to your children is demonstrated to improve their reading skills and language ability. It also gives you a lovely time to sit and hold your child close.

8.     Keep TV’s and computers out of bedrooms. This goes for adults too. Media time for children needs to be monitored, which means keeping it in the family areas of the home. TV use in the bedroom is also shown to disrupt sleep.

9.     Parents need to lead by example. If your toddler sees you zoning out in front of the TV or obsessively playing games on your phone, your toddler will want to do these things too.

The Gift of Silence

I’ve noticed many people are not ok with silence. They feel pressured to fill the space up, to say something. I noticed this particularly this morning, listening to the radio. The announcer was updating everyone on celebrity news and made a very stupid comment about one celebrity who is expecting. Nothing mean, just very unintelligent and clearly not something she thought out. And it occurred to me that in her job she is under pressure to fill the space between songs with words, and that probably leads to a lot of thoughtless babbling. My husband commented that sports announcers at times have the same problem and that once he heard a sports announcer say “Usually the team that scores the most points wins.” Again, not mean, just very silly. I think it’s similar to the principle that nature abhors a vacuum. Most people abhor silence and will say anything to fill it up.

In day to day life this often becomes a problem when people are suffering loss or pain. People around them are uncomfortable and don’t know what to say, and so they say things that are stupid and often hurtful. I’ve had many people relay some thoughtless comment or another to me (top candidates: You’ll look back on this and laugh. She’s in a better place now. I know just how you feel. This is really for the best.) These innocuous sounding comments are like salt in a wound or like razors to the soul. I’ve heard some suffering people threaten to break off relationships over these well-intentioned but painful comments.

For those who are suffering, I will generally offer this thought. “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” Known as Hanlon’s razor, this quote from Robert J. Hanlon is often helpful in reminding yourself that hurtful remarks by others aren’t usually meant that way. When you are already hurting, don’t inflict further pain on yourself by breaking off relationships with well intentioned people who can’t cope with pain or silence. Instead, gently tell them how to be helpful. Or just change the topic all together.

For those faced with suffering, who don’t know what to say, I offer this advice. Tell the suffering individual that you care. Ask them if there is anything you can do to help. And then say nothing. Don’t leave. Just offer the gift of your silent, supportive presence. You’ll be astonished at what a treasure you will bring.

Gratitude

I definitely struggle with gratitude - that is, not having it. Don't most of us? It's so easy to be caught up in the day to day stress. This has to be done, that has to be done, I feel tired, some else needs something else... And before you know it you're in a deficiency mindset. You don't have enough. Not enough time, not enough money, not enough love... and you're miserable.

Actively practicing gratitude is supposed to be the cure for this kind of misery. But it's hard to do with all of the distractions. So here are some things I'm planning to try:

1) Write down my blessings. I'm going to put them on a little card and post it where I will see it often. And when I see it, I will read it over and remind myself of all the ways I am blessed and I do have enough.

2) Give something away. Being generous to someone else helps me feel full and bounteous. Whether it's a charitable donation, a gift to a friend or just an extra large tip to your waiter at lunch, generosity reminds me that I have so much I can afford to share.

3) Say thanks. Myself, I say thanks to G-D, but not often enough. But I can also say thanks to my parents, my co-workers, my teachers from high school, my friends, the mailman, the clerk at the grocery store... all the different people whose inputs have brought me to this point in my life.

4) Be mindful of good things. When I eat a piece of chocolate, I want to really focus on it and enjoy it. When my daughter hugs me or asks me to read to her, I want to concentrate on how precious she is and how brief her childhood will be.

5) Remind myself - enough! Even when I feel like I don't have enough, I always do. My needs have always been met. I do have enough!

  Anyway, I'm going to try these things out, in an active practice of gratitude. I'll let you know how it goes!